The other night I logged on to my student loan payment page to discover something peculiar. The start date for autopayment was scheduled for after my loans were set to come out of the administrative forbearance they had been in while the SAVE plan faced legal challenges. Thankfully, I had been manually making payments to get ahead of the high interest on my loan balance. Still, a familiar tightening sensation appeared in my chest. Then a litany of familiar automatic thoughts began firing rapidly from a core belief that once caused me despair but that I now approach with non-judgment and seek to reframe.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) offers us the downward arrow technique as a way to understand our core beliefs. This process involves asking "What does that mean about me?" in response to the automatic thoughts we have about a certain situation or issue in our lives. "Downward arrow" helps illustrate the thought process that sparked my anxiety.
"How am I ever going to get out debt if my loan servicer keeps pulling stuff like this?"
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"What does that mean about me?"
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"I was foolish to put myself in this situation. I shouldn't have gone along with the pressure from my parents and high school to go to an expensive college because it was 'the right fit'."
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"What does that mean about me?"
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"I don't make good decisions about money"
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"What does that mean about me?"
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"People make better decisions about money than I do."
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"What does that mean about me?"
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"I am not as competent as others."
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"What does that mean about me?"
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"I am not good enough."
After years of inner work, I know that when the core belief related to being "not good enough" pops up again, it is time for me to engage with the observer part of myself that we can call our "wise mind." My wise mind can approach that core belief with compassion and seek to reframe it in a way that empowers me rather than shames me and drags me down.
I observe, "That is a judgmental thought. Shame, anger and self-judgment is making my chest tighten. I am judging my teenage self for her financial decisions. Neutrally speaking, I made my college choice out of a desire to make my parents proud, belong to a community and to learn about the world. I value and understand financial literacy in the present. I notice that I thought differently about money in the past. I have a separate identity from my parents now."
I reframe "I am not good enough" to "I am a person who was motivated by belonging to a community and learning. I am both disappointed in the financial choice that I made in the past and am seeking to make choices that feel healthy for me in the future. I am learning and growing."
"I am not good enough" becomes "I am learning and growing."
The tightness in my chest dissolves. The "tyranny" of would-haves, could-haves and should-haves is starting to topple.
I bring all of this up to illustrate the impact that money problems can have on our mental health and hopefully make someone who is struggling with self-judgment due to financial hardship feel seen.
We need to speak openly about the suffering (and sometimes self-harm) that shame about "bad" financial decisions can have on us. As Americans we often view debt, low wages, or financial stress as a moral failing. We often neglect to see ourselves and others as people who exist within a social context and also have agency to change.
If you are someone who is struggling with student debt, please remember that we live in a country where education is seen as a privilege rather than an investment in our collective well-being and workforce. At the same time, there is intense pressure to go to college throughout our K-12 school years. Observe your younger self without judgment.
If you are beating yourself up for buying something that was not in line with your goals this month, acknowledge the factors that impacted that decision without judgment and then reorient yourself toward your goal.
It is possible to come back from financial hardship. Here are some initial things that you can do to feel empowered about your finances and step mindfully out of the cycle of shame and despair.
Allow yourself the time to differentiate what you want financially from what your social circle wants financially.
Reflect on how early messages about money shaped your relationship to it.
Strengthen your connections with people who appreciate you for who you are, not what you have.
Create a log of the situations, feelings, and thoughts that trigger the money-related behaviors that you want to change.
Take care of yourself,
Po
Poesis Silagan-Bush LCSW is a therapist in New York who helps clients with anxiety, ADHD, depression, OCD, autism, and burnout build balanced lives that feel worth living.
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